Dungeons and Dragons in a nutshell:
You’re walking through a garden when you spot a slug between your feet.
You decide to stomp on the slug.
Roll a 20-sided die to determine the outcome.
1: You miss the slug. Not only do you miss the slug, but your foot scrapes viciously along your calf and smashes into the ankle joint, tearing muscle and crushing bone with crippling force. You move around on crutches for the next three to six months.
2: You miss the slug. Not only do you miss the slug, but you stomp on your other foot and break every single one of your metatarsals. You spend the rest of the day hobbling around in agony before finally carting yourself off to hospital.
3: You miss the slug. Your foot lands directly in front of the slug, who realises your intent and furiously bites you with a heretofore undiscovered set of piranha-like teeth. You spend an embarrassing afternoon in hospital explaining the cause of your injury.
4: You miss the slug. Your foot lands directly in front of the slug, who realises your intent and slithers up the inside of your trouser leg before you can shake it off. It secretes slug pheromones all over your body and you are soon overwhelmed by a mass of amorous slugs.
5: You miss the slug. The force of your foot motion sends you wildly off balance and causes you to land face first in the muddy ground in front of you. The slug shakes its head and carries on indifferently.
6: You miss the slug. Your foot lands hard in front of the slug, who glares at you with open hostility but decides it’s not worth getting into a fight over. The slug slithers on and leaves you to your shame.
7: You miss the slug by a wide margin. The slug slithers on, happily unaware of your existence.
8: You miss the slug by a moderate margin. The slug pauses for a moment in slight confusion, vaguely aware that something just occurred, before shaking its head in dismissal and slithering on.
9: You miss the slug by a tiny margin. The slug turns around and looks at you with a mild frown of disapproval, before carrying on about its business.
10: You barely scrape the slug. The slug is evidently miffed by your aggression but decides it would be better off not confronting you over the incident.
11: You squish a small part of the tail end of the slug. The slug turns and looks at you with a pained expression. If slugs were capable of producing tears, it would have tears in its eyes.
12: You squish the slug halfway along its body from the tail end. The slug looks at you with horror and shock at the unbearable pain of destruction and betrayal. The slug dies in agony and you have to wonder who the monster truly is here.
13: You squish the slug three quarters of the way across its body, stopping short only of the head. The slug barely has time to register its abysmal fate before its vital fluids fail to sustain any further function as they drain into the soil. Later that evening you hear a gut-wrenching cry as the slug’s family finally discover why it was late returning home that night.
14: You stomp on the slug’s head. A small splatter of slime and other vital fluids emanates from beneath your foot. The slug’s body continues trying to slither on for another moment or two, before realising it’s no longer receiving any nerve signals and decides to give up the ghost. Without an identifiable head, the slug’s family never receives any closure on its disappearance.
15: You stomp on the slug. The slug goes splat. End of slug.
16: You stomp on the slug with playful force. The slug goes splat. Slug slime and vital fluids are sprayed in a short radius around your foot. You decide to put your trousers in the wash.
17: You stomp on the slug with considerable force. The slug goes splat. Slug slime and vital fluids are sprayed in a moderate radius around your foot. You add re-painting the garden fence to your to-do list.
18: You stomp on the slug with furious force. The slug goes splat. Slug slime and vital fluids shoot up into the air and splatter your next door neighbour who happened to be doing some innocent gardening at the time. Your neighbour is now slightly annoyed with you.
19: You stomp on the slug with vengeful force. The slug goes splat. The slug innards are spread so far and wide that the universe soon begins to question whether the slug was even extant to begin with. You nod with satisfaction at your work like the sociopathic slug killer that you are.
20: You stomp on the slug with unfathomable force. The slug goes splat. Not only does the slug go splat, but the ground beneath your feet caves in, forming a deep crater that collapses all nearby garden furniture and sends shockwaves registering 3.1 on the Richter scale for several miles wide. The local police force prosecutes you for disturbing the peace but the proceedings are dropped when the army recruits you as a secret weapon in their upcoming war against a third world nation. You are later dishonourably discharged for trying to stomp on another slug and rolling a 1.
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